Whose happiness it is anyway?
I'm not sure I've ever been this content - I use the word content instead of happy deliberately. I've had moments/spells of feeling on top of the world, like I was happiness itself. And like most peoples' feelings of absolute bliss these times have been down to aspects of my 'personal' life. Experiences, feelings, words, shared with people I've really cared about. But that happiness is hinging on something. Take away those people and it's gone. It's all about what is shared, what you have between you, it's not yours, not really. Sorry to throw confusing academia into this, but it links to the socio-linguistic concept of the use of the words 'having' and 'being', the way that Westernised societies adapt their use of language to imply that you can have (own) things that are really experiences (e.g. love, feelings, nature) - you can't. I'm not saying that this fragile happiness, an experience not a possession, is a bad thing. In fact quite the opposite, that's what it's all about. Nervous excitement, putting your trust in a person and situation, taking that chance. And taking that risk is always better than not.
But back to my original point, I'm not comparing me now to that kind of happiness. I'm talking about something different. I'm looking at my life, across the board, and I'm happy. And there's no single person or situation that, within reason, if it were to go wrong in some way, would have some kind of catastrophic jenga effect on my general happiness. The most 'fragile' thing I can think of right now is passing/doing well in my degree - but that is in my own hands. It hinges on nothing but me.
Just to stress here, I'm not turning into a cynic about happiness and sharing it with other people. Good god I'm only 20! Nothing can beat the initial excitement and intense happiness, followed by the general feeling of 'being with someone' (I initially wrote 'having someone' - then realised the socio-linguistic implications of this!) - and if that 'someone' comes along then great - but waking up with a smile every day without that 'someone' is a liberating feeling.
Not that I'm taking anything for granted. To return to the socio-linguistic point I was making earlier, life itself is one big experience, not something that you own.
So who knows what's around the corner, good or bad, but I feel more confident than ever that whatever it is I'll take it in my stride and keep on smiling.
posted by Mr Madgic @ 14:00
5 Comments:
Wow, deep.
This really made me smile. Keep 'being' this content and on top of it all. You've learned a great lesson here, but that doesn't mean you 'have' it down! You need to keep experiencing it! I really empathise with your rejection of transient happiness dependant on people/feelings/situations, I think I'm stuck in one of those ruts at the moment but I so wanna be where you are! Thanks for reminding me this and letting me re-begin on my quest for independent contentedness! :o) Interesting question: Is it even possible to get to this stage whilst in a relationship or do you have to start on your own and work towards this state of mind before being able to have successful and not inevitably crushing relationships?
Thanks for the comments, glad it made you smile!
Just a couple of things I either want to clarify or that your comments have made me consider further...
I don't personally believe that independent happiness is in anyway mutually exclusive from being happy with someone, nor do I think that either is dependent upon or a pre-requisite for the other. I don't see myself as having rejected 'transient' happiness and I don't see such relationships as being 'inevitably crushing'. On the contrary I still believe there's nothing better, and I think there is nothing inevitable about it, good or bad. And the 'not knowing' is really one of the best things about it.
I just genuinely feel happy without that 'someone' at this moment in time. It's not that I don't want to find someone, or even that I've stopped looking as such, I just feel perfectly content without anyone for now.
Ok,.. take 2: everything you've quoted there from me was a reference to my situation, not your post. What I meant to say is... You've clearly thought a lot about this topic and I absolutely agree with your sentiments. With that in mind what do you have to say on my situation? which is as follows: I know I'm dependant on my boyfriend for a certain amount of my happiness and historically this has always been a problem for me. I have had stages in my life when I've felt exactly what you expressed in this blog, but on embarking in a relationship I lose it all and invest all of myself in the relationship. I can't seem to have this 'contentedness' whilst in a relationship. It's very topical as this very problem is endangering my current relationship. Now I need to somehow think of myself as single and imagine my bf not being there as a safety net when i'm bored upset and seek other channels for happiness but that seems impossible,... Argh did I have a point?! So anyway, is this relationship just not right if i'm not happy, is my approach to relationships wrong and that's why this keeps happening? How do I sort this out, Oh Madgic one?! Any thoughts welcome! :o)
Ok, well I think that a relationship where you invest yourself and your happiness into it, that's really what it's all about. And there's obviously a risk attached to that, but the best things in life most definitely require taking chances. And of course, if a relationship that your very wrapped up in goes wrong it can feel like someone's pulled the rug out from beneath your feet completely - but that's just how it is I guess. I wouldn't go searching for some kind of independent contentedness - just enjoy what you have. Don't worry about how things would be if it doesn't work out, that's just something to face if and when it happens. Life is full of uncertainty and the cycle (in terms of your 'personal life) of steady eddie happiness (equilibrium if you like) - being with someone - (the high if you like) - it going wrong (the low if you like) and back around to equilibrium again is just a cycle that occurs over and over until we meet the someone it never does go wrong with. That's my thoughts, not sure about helpful, but that's all I've got I'm afraid!
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